Tomorrow will worry about itself~

Day 09 – How you hope your future will be like.


I hope my future will be bright... I hope my future would be full of rainbows and unicorns and butterflies and candies and toys and .... so on.
I hope there will be no post nuclear fallout, 3rd world war, China taking over Taiwan, Japan and half of South Pacific..etc



Please refer to the post on what I hope to see 10 years from now. I don't want to repeat myself. *see post on Day 2

I can't get no satisfaction~

Day 08 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.


I am tempted to say every time that I go to Memphis Blues with the guys. Umm.. tons and tons of MEAT. The whole point of the blog is try to be deep and reflective, so I better give a better answer to that.

There were definitely a couple moments where I felt satisfied, not lacking a sense of direction of purpose. However, the one that resonated with me the most is my second trip to East Asia. I was on a university campus talking to student about spirituality and introducing them to the most important relationship in the World: Relationship with Jesus Christ. I met a student there, codename: sentinel, who was interested to know more about God and develop a genuine relationship with God. He went to a catholic church and was asking me a lot of questions. We met one night at the courtyard and that was when I got to explain to him what it means to have assurance of Salvation. It was an engaging conversation and we had a great time talking. I did not find out towards the end of the night that he has an exam the next morning. This was just such an odd sight because as Asians, you would never choose to take away time from studying by talking about spirituality. I was very encouraged and grateful that he took the time.

I still remember that night as I was walking back to the dorm by myself. I remember the joy that I felt that night. I thought to myself, it makes no sense for anyone to take away 2 month of his life to do ministry in Asia. People must think I am an idiot by not working for the 2 months. Yet, that at that moment, I didn't care, nothing seemed to matter. I realized I was partnering with the creator of the universe and He graciously invited me to share the greatest news to others. It is one of the very few moments in my life where i felt "this is what life is about! this is why I am here on Earth!" We definitely don't follow God on the basis of feeling good about ourselves, but that doesn't mean that we don't receive joy from God as we obey him and follow his call for us. That night, I was satisfied to the fullest.

The other time I can think of on the top of my head is probably when mel told me that she would be my girlfriend. But THAT is a tale for another day....

ESFP

Day 07 – Your Myers Briggs Personality Type and if you think it fits your personality.

Like mel said, I have the same personality type as Hansen. That's why we get along so well. You gotta like yourself right?

I've done the test before and it's very consistent! So I agree with it. Well, other people have already told me that it's true. So it must be true right?

Your Type is
ESFP
Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Strength of the preferences %
67 50 56 11

You are:
distinctively expressed extravert
moderately expressed sensing personality
moderately expressed feeling personality
slightly expressed perceiving personality

Performers have the special ability, even among the Artisans, to delight those around them with their warmth, their good humor, and with their often extraordinary skills in music, comedy, and drama. Whether on the job, with friends, or with their families, Performers are exciting and full of fun, and their great social interest lies in stimulating those around them to take a break from work and worry, to lighten up and enjoy life.

Performers are plentiful, something over ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate, because they bring pleasure to so many of us. Performers are the people for whom it can truly be said "all the world's a stage." Born entertainers, they love the excitement of playing to an audience, and will quickly become the center of attention wherever they are. Performers aren't comfortable being alone, and seek the company of others whenever possible -- which they usually find, for they make wonderful playmates. Performers are smooth, talkative, and witty; they always seem to know the latest jokes and stories, and are quick with wisecracks and wordplay-nothing is so serious or sacred that it can't be made fun of. Performers also like to live in the fast lane, and seem up on the latest fashions of dress, food, drink, and music. Lively and uninhibited, Performers are the life of the party, always trying to create in those around them a mood of eat, drink, and be merry.

The Performers' talent for enjoying life is healthy for the most part, though it also makes them more subject to temptations than the other types. Pleasure seems to be an end in itself for them, and variety is the spice of life. And so Performers are open to trying almost anything that promises them a good time, not always giving enough thought to the consequences.

Like the other Artisans, Performers are incurably optimistic - "Always look on the bright side," is their motto -- and they will avoid worries and troubles by ignoring them as long as possible. They are also the most generous of all the types, and second only to the Composer Artisans [ISFPs] in kindness. Performers haven't a mean or stingy bone in their body-what's theirs is yours-and they seem to have little idea of saving or conserving. They give what they have to one and all without expectation of reward, just as they love freely, and without expecting anything in return. In so many ways, Performers view life as an eternal cornucopia from which flows an endless supply of pleasures.


Famous people of your particular type
Elvis Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Peter Kay (comedian), Serena Williams



Possible Career Choices (THIS PART IS GOOD)

Career
Acting and Performances (ok i can see that)
Dressmaking & Design (ummm... really?)
Advertising (I have convinced a lot of ppl to get certain products without getting a cut)
Customer Service (hate it)
Public Relations Specialist (maybe)
Sales/Marketing Specialist (maybe)
Fitness & Nutrition (too academic)
Social Service (Nice)
Early Childhood Education (If i were a woman)
Management (maybe)
Fashion Merchandising (yeah... no)

Fine, reduce me to 30 facts

Because all there is to know about me is the 30 facts...
Day 06 – Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.


1.I love/follow Jesus Christ (Vintage, non-altered Bible ver.)
2.I play guitar
3.My eyebrows look nice
4.I used to have a dog named Lucky
5.I have surfed in Cali and Hawaii
6.I've jumped off a bridge (160 feet high)
7.I have tried dog meat
8.I speak two languages and 1 dialect
9.I can crack my knuckles continuously
10.I sleep talk
11.I can sleep up to 13 hrs if I choose to
12.I use craigslist to buy electronics
13.My Fav game is Diablo 2 & Fallout series
14.I have a girlfriend who likes cats
15.I love reptiles
16.My computer is Intel Core i5 @ 2.67GHz,4 GB Ram, NVIDIA GeForce GTX 460
17.I hate doing dishes
18.My fav TV show is The Office
19.I enjoy preaching
20.My fav drink is London Fog
21.I have milked a cow
22.My Fav band...Lifehouse (tough choice)
23.I like MAN-Flick
24.I love random jokes
25.I am a verbal processor
26.I enjoy Boardgames
27.I am a procrastinator and I find thrill when I approach deadline
28.I used to do some Kung-Fu
29.I enjoy good conversations
30.I love meat!

To kill or Not to kill oneself?

Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life.


The tale goes back to when I was in gr.10. I was not really a popular kid back in Highschool. I didn't have the greatest experience there at a privet school. I was fed up with the jocks and didn't really have a friend in school that I can have meaningful friendship with. In addition, since i didn't really engage others at school, naturally they wouldn't treat me well. What I longed for was friendship. Being pushed around and jerked around since gr 6 to gr 10 at the same school makes you feel lonely. I started to believe in the lie that friendship is all I need in life. True friendship is most valuable possession in the world and that's my purpose in life. To find friends that I am able to die beside. At that time it was so important to me. Naturally I found friends who are loyal, unlike the ones at school. They were not rich snobs and they care about each other. As I began to meet more people and develop more friendship outside of my school, I was happy and felt complete. I was glad that I can be there for them when they are in trouble and they they would do the same for me. Unfortunately, that was not the reality. Some small problem erupted within the group while I remained uninformed the entire time. My best friend at that time left and basically had no contact with me. It was weird because we used to hang out at every other day or at least all the time during the weekend.

That was when i lost all hope. My purpose in life has been shattered into million pieces. I became a very angry person because i felt betrayed by everything in this life. All I wanted was something to hold on to and it was gone. Taken away just like that. That was the low period that I really felt like taking my life because life simply just was not worth living. Since I didn't have any responsibility in life, there really was nothing holding me back. I am thankful that the process was slow. I was too numb to react thus I didn't actively attempt a suicide. I was too tired of everything, too tired to try.....

Then, as I stumbled I heard a very loud Battle Cry...

the R word

Day 04 – Your views on religion.




I live in a culture that detest this word. In fact, you can even get away with saying the F word in a room and no one cares but if you bring up the R word, your audience will start treating you like.. you know one of those... Canadians are polite,yet apathetic, people pleasing, and neutral. We don't like to engage things that are personal in nature, like spirituality because it makes others in the room uncomfortable. You are welcome to pick and choose your buffet of spiritual gurus, but just don't tell me about them. I've read a report somewhere (i forgot) that compare the difference between India and North America. People in India felt that it is not offensive to talk about religion in workplace because they see spirituality in everything we do. Us, on the other hand see religion as some extra-curricular activity that we turn on/off after 5pm. Thus, making religion a taboo. That's how I see Religion being played out in Canada.
*Feel free to add/subtract/comment my limited scope!

Anyhow, regarding religion, it might be shocking for some of who read my blog to find that I am actually not a Fan of it myself. Some use it as a crutch to make themselves feel better, some use it to exploit others, to wage wars with it, to justify one's selfishness, and to manipulate the weak. "WHATTT! Dan, I thought you are a Christian!!!!!" What kind of Christian are you? I can comfortably say that God of the Bible (Old Testament and the New)never advocated religion to begin with. This again maybe a shock but, allow me to share with you a liberating discovery from the Bible, the very Word of God. In the beginning God created the world. He created everything and people in his likeness. The focus of the Genesis story is usually on Adam and Eve's disobedience to God's command of not eat the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. Thus one draws the conclusion that God is a dictator, a rule reinforcer. The worship and unquestionable obedience to this God then is birth of a religion called Judaism, later Christianity. Yes, it is true. I will not disagree with the fact that some people take this partial understanding of Genesis and derive an entire theology/religion out of it to make others do things. However, I also want to point out that there are parts of the story that is missed. First of all, God made people and without reservation declared that they are good. He allows his creation to partner with him and to work in the garden and take care of it.(Gen 2:15) There is a trusting relationship going on here! What did God also do? He knew that Adam was lonely and required a helper so He made Eve. Again, this is a personal God who is not indifferent towards His creation. Thirdly, we see that after Adam and Eve took a chunk out of the fruit and disobeyed God, we see that God was out in the garden looking for them.

Gen 3:6-9
6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

What? God actually comes down to the garden walking alongside them? Adam and Eve knew God is personal. They knew He would come down, that's why they hid Back in the Garden, God has personal relationship with His creation, He is not somewhere out there giving out commands.

I can go on and on with this, the Ten Commandments (LAWS), was given to Moses and the Israelites after God had made some of the most wonderful promises! A) The Messiah would come to save the world Gen 3:13 B) Abraham's descendants (Nation of Israel) will be a blessing to the rest of the world. Gen. 12:2,3.

The Ten Commandment is not a religious document but rather God saying to the Israelites "You are already my people that I will take care and defend so live like it!" An encouragement rather than burden.

Jumping now to 31-33 A.D. Jesus answers the question: "Which commandment is the most important of all?" Mark 12:28b.
The answer is this:

29 Jesus answered, "The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God,the Lord is one. 30And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' 31 The second is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."

Notice that although Jesus points people to God's commandment but the commandments are not about blindly following rules or tell others to do them. Jesus is calling people to KNOW God, to love him and be in a genuine relationship with the creator as it was in the beginning. Being filled with God's love also help one understand God's relational nature and moves one to love his or her neighbor as well! It's not a religion that lead to prejudice, resentment, hierarchy, hypocrisy, or judgement on others. A relationship with God humbles us, puts us in our place, realign our focus, transforms our entire being!

You can hear more of this on my sermon:
http://www.stjohnsrichmond.ca/audio/SE2010Nov21-2.mp3


Religion is not at God's heart but rather leads people into confusion, bitterness, exploitation, and wrong doings. What people have done in the past using Christianity as the backbone are wrong and detestable to God. People created all sorts of religion and the problem lies with the creator. Observing the history of religion would only point us to our failure to become gods ourselves and also the fact that the Bible speaks truth about our rebellious and wicked nature.Isaiah 59.

The heart of Christianity is not following religious authorities, the Pope..etc, nor is it to merit eternal life because people are afraid of dying.
It is perhaps summarized best in John 17:3,
And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.

A genuine relationship with Jesus, a life that is surrendered to him in absolute obedience.

Take a Ride On a Purple Airplane

Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.



The word "drugs" can be used in various context. The following definition is the kind of Drugs that i will be talking about.

Drugs that are used for personal pleasure (often illegally) are called Recreational Drugs. Traditional RD's include marijuana, alcohol (Yes, it is a drug), MDMA (ecstasy), mushrooms, LSD, methamphetamine, heroin, crack/cocaine. Recreational drugs come under many criticisms, and praise by opponents, and users alike. Some believe the use of RD's to be immoral, and life-threatening, while others believe that new and thoughtful insights can come from drug use (especially psychedelics like mushrooms, and LSD)

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drugs

I am going to try and not turn this into a lecture of any sort. Recreational drugs don't help you period. It doesn't make problems go away nor does it help you physically get better. Truth be told, I had my share of drugs when I was younger (early teens). It was simply out of curiosity but never ventured deep. That, I need to thank my parents. If it wasn't for all their hard work and sacrifice, I probably would've just run wild and jump off the deep end. By God's grace my stupid mind understood that my parents didn't spend so much money and have to spend half a year apart so i can do drugs. Anyhow, I had a lot of friends who uses recreational drugs o a fairly regular basis. Some out of boredom, some out of fear and frustration in life. I've come to realize that drugs are band-aid solutions that people use to deal with life's disappointment. Thus drugs are chemically and emotionally addictive in nature. It is so appealing when you are facing hardship and something comes along to release you from that feeling.

Once you are chemically or emotionally dependent on a substance, it takes more work to get off it than to get into it. There are many things in this world that offers cheap and temporal hope like drugs. They appear to function like a solution but the consequences are usually fatal. I had a friend who did not find that out until 5 years into it. He developed various physical symptoms and only in his 20's he told me that he could see his body failing him. What damaged him the most was the harsh truth that this chemical only took time away from him to face his problems.

The problem is not drugs but LIFE.

Life throws crap at us daily. I remember taking my first job at the dollar store. My manager told me, "Daniel, you know what this job is about? is about taking crap from people." yikes. I found that to be true. We live in a highly disappointing world filled with exploitation (like the Olympics but I m not gonna talk about that now) abuse, and lies. We dream dreams only to have them crushed by reality. Injustice is everywhere. Funny that in the western society we tried to fool ourselves thinking that we are more enlightened and with more education we are able to live better lives.

The Bible, on the other hand, paints our true nature. Looking at the problems of the peoples back in the day would only reveal to us that we are really no different.
in 740 B.C. God pronounces His judgement on Israel, God's people. In Isaiah 59, God tells them their problem:
7 Their feet rush into sin;
they are swift to shed innocent blood.
They pursue evil schemes;
acts of violence mark their ways.
8 The way of peace they do not know;
there is no justice in their paths.
They have turned them into crooked roads;
no one who walks along them will know peace.
9 So justice is far from us,
and righteousness does not reach us.
We look for light, but all is darkness;
for brightness, but we walk in deep shadows.
10 Like the blind we grope along the wall,
feeling our way like people without eyes.
At midday we stumble as if it were twilight;
among the strong, we are like the dead.
11 We all growl like bears;
we moan mournfully like doves.
We look for justice, but find none;
for deliverance, but it is far away.

I am not a scholar or an expert on world events but give me 20 minutes on the news and I can point out to you that we are no different from the Israelites back in the 700 B.C.

Going back to my point, I think drugs take us away from facing what is going on in our life and in our heart. We need true rescue and not substance abuse. We need true support from people, each other, instead of support from chemicals. Nor do I think that we should shun those who are dependent on drugs. In fact the opposite, we ought to help them discover what is truly bothering them and point them to true hope. A hope that would not fade.

A lot of people asks this question, if I take drug am I a bad Christian or does that mean I am going to hell? There is always two camps who ask this question. The guilty conservatives and the shameless liberals. Guilty conservatives may operate on a work base salvation system. Do good things go to heaven, and bad things lead you to hell. Well this is obviously false because only by the grace of God that anyone is saved( Ephesians 2:8). Then the shameless liberals jump out and say "HA! that means I can do whatever I want which includes drugs and alcohol."

Here is what God has to say about it through Paul, a first hand witness of Jesus.
"Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything(1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV). The principle here is that why do you want to be a slave to things that can screw you over and bring you back to despair? Put your trust in the real solution in life and God will not fail you. I have faced some hardship, tragedies, and disappointments in life. I definitely, at one point, thought about using chemicals to help me deal with it and have tried. It made things worse, and not the other way around. However, when I decided to surrender my life under new management of Christ, things didn't get better! Yet, I can handle them better. God gives the the courage I need, the support that I don't have within myself, the people around me who love me, and the love and comfort that I need in the situation.

I don't think anyone is beyond hope if they are currently on recreational drugs. But I do think that there is something in their lives that they need to deal with. Yes, even boredom is a symptom that something is wrong. I don't think drinking alcohol is a sin. Jesus drank wine! But I sure don't like the taste of it and the calories that comes with alcohol. I find pop more satisfying which saves me a lot of money. In the case of alcohol, just as long as I am not surrendering my control to a substance and leading others astray from know God then I am ok.

For my gr.3 boys at St.John's Richmond, I am still going to tell them not to do drugs =) Cuz they will benefit from that.

Next stop...10 years from now

Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

This is the 30 day blog challenge and I am still going strong. Where would I like to be in 10 years?

Well I am 23 at the moment so when I am 33 here is what I hope to happen:

-Graduated from Seminary
-Doing a job that I like: full time work at a church
-Married
-1-2 kids
-I would love to still be in Vancouver, but things can change
-Own a house with acceptable mortgage
-have a dog (optional) and a lizard

I guess I can see myself being in a more stable lifestyle in 10 years: not moving around and stay at one place. I would like to see myself grow both emotionally and spiritually. Not physically because research shows that your body starts to decay after 20- all down hill from there! I want to know God more, know what it means to love him. To be more like Christ, the perfect example to be a son of God. I hope I don't become a bitter person and continue to take risks for God.

Relationships with people matter to me so I would love to meet more people along the way and develop meaningful friendships. I also notice that I like many things but I am not passionate about any. I like guitar, but I am not playing it like 24/7. There are many things I enjoy but I am not CRAZY about. Similar to the work I am involved with at Church. I like working as an intern, preaching, working along side people, teaching, and encouraging. However, I don't really know what I LOVE and what I am gifted at. I am hoping that through time, I will be realistic and critical about who I am and what I am going to invest my time in.

Similarly, on another note, 10 years later I would love to see my friends still persevering in the faith and find their passions so they may enjoy the challenges and the joys at different stages of life.

That's it for day 2

Day 01- (Romantic) Relationship

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.



First off, I love de-motivational posters. I wanted to find some interesting pictures for this post on google image search and this was the first thing that caught my eye.

Alright, let me get to the important stuff: my current relationship.
I am happily dating a very wonderful/special/terrific/exceptional/beautiful/.../amazing woman at the moment. In other words, I am no longer available to the dating market. Due to a short supply of, namely me, an economist would point out that the demand, for me, will be higher. (yeah right...)
Mel and I have been dating for 1 year, 10 months, 9 days. To save you some trouble, it has been 678 days. I can't believe someone would choose to put up with me for that long! I guess she is a keeper.

Our relationship has taken a big turn since September this year. Instead of going to Nebraska, God has graciously opened the door for mel to U of A to study Occupational Therapy. I, on the other hand, am still in the great Vancity enjoying what it has to offer: authentic Japanese, Chinese, Greek, seafood, home cooked meal and a JOB. We have lost each other's physical presence and are now physically separated from each other.

Long distance relationship suck. If a person tells you that long D has done wonders for them, I bet you $100 that this person is no longer in a long distance relationship. *I am not promoting betting so don't ask me for money if you experience some rare case or met some lunatics. In short, take my word for it. LONG D sucks. Skype sucks. Sometimes I would have to say the same sentence 5-6 times or I would have to ask mel to repeat the same sentence.

Communication is tough when you have to keep repeating yourself and you only have 1 hour. Some days I felt very frustrated because we can't even get pass the day to day stuff and have a nice conversation. Your entire interaction with the other person is confined by a display box in front of you. You can't hug her or put your arm around her when she is upset. You feel powerless but panic on the other end of the screen. I hate that feeling...

I suppose I should also mention the "positive" side to this Long D. I am learning about what it's like to miss someone. Actually missing someone who you care about a lot and cannot see for an extended period of time. I think in this trial, mel and I are forced to trust each other and to trust God. We are learning how to support one another without the physical presence. We are learning to deal with conflict in a setting where exiting is just one button away.

Like any relationships, short D or long D, there is bound to be friction. So, I am being challenged to really listen and to admit mistakes. (I think it's the same thing for mel) The greatest thing about being a follower of Jesus is that he cares about my relationship. He knows that we screw up and we will abuse each other because we are selfish. A hard truth to swallow is that when I don't honor mel and wrongs her, I am also offending God. However, at the end of the day,I have assurance that I am forgiven, mel has been showing me a lot of grace in the process, and I can depend on Christ to change. A relationship is most rewarding when God is in the center to lead and the couple is obedient to God while forgiving each other.

With God's help, we are learning to see past the pixels in front of us and truly care for the the person on the other side.

Do I like long distance? of course not. But I love sharing my life, my day, my dreams with this special girl. I am knowing her more and more and I am proud to be in this relationship.

To quote Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.


NO, we are not lying down together

But Mel are I are partners in the mission to carry one another and to sharing the best news from God to the entire world!

It's time to step up to the challenge!

I've been telling myself that I need to be more introspective.
I've been telling myself that I need to write more.
I've told Mel one year ago that I would start blogging but I haven't been.
I've told Hansen that I want to start the 30 day challenge.... so.. I am going to do it!

It's almost Dec and I believe it's a good time to reflect about my life:Who I was and Who am I now?

Shout out to Hansen who started this and is 7 days in =)

Here is the provided list

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 – Your views on religion.
Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 – Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 – Your Myers Briggs Personality Type and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 – A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 – How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 – Discuss your first love.
Day 11 – Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 – Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 – Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – Your earliest memory.
Day 15 – Your favorite blogs.
Day 16 – Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 – Your beliefs.
Day 19 – Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 – How important you think education is.
Day 21 – One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 – How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of 5 girls who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 – A problem that you have had.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month.

Estimated Time to complete the challenge: DEC.23.2010.
Maybe Santa will give me a "good boy" status if I finish this =)

Here we go, Day 1...

Absolute surrender

"O God, my failure is all my self-confidence, self-will, self-pleasing."

Andrew Murray- Absolute surrender